Deck the Halls
by maraudette-kim
Summary: Voldemort and his faithful Death Eaters are really getting into the Christmas holidays...maybe a little too much. Funny holidays fic! JUST POSTED NEED REVIEWS
1. Getting Started

Voldemort and his faithful death eaters are really getting into the holidays. They buy a house, make cookies, go carolling and many more fun things! Lol great holiday fic!

"We'll take it," Avery said as he smiled horribly at the real estate agent, "Voldemort will absolutely love the twirly staircase."

"Don't forget the hot tub," added Snape

"Yes, and he'll love the unfinished basement," Peter squeaked, "You know how he likes cold floors." The group of death eaters nodded in agreement.

"Okay, now that that's settled," the real estate woman said nervously, "All I need is your signature, and you can give me your credit card number-"

"I've got a better idea," Lucius said evilly, "How about you give us the house for free, or we'll kill you."

"It's yours," she said as she ran threw the front door and into her Honda, driving away as fast as possible.

"Well," Lucius laughed, "That was easy. Oh, and here comes Voldy now. I can't wait to see his reaction." Lucius opened the door to come face to face with a very angry Voldemort.

"You bought me a freakin' bungalow?!" Voldemort spat

"Well master, bungalows are very chic" Peter started

"Yes, I've heard their hot on the market," Snape said, "not to mention I read that Britney Spears just bought one as well."

Voldemort eased up a bit. "Well, I suppose it's okay."

"Come master, let me show you the basement," Peter exclaimed as he grabbed Voldemort by the wrist and led him down stairs. "Here touch the floor with your feet."

Voldemort took off one of his shoes. "Ohh, that's nice," he said as he rubbed his foot on the cold concrete, "Oh this feels heavenly."

"Okay, we'll leave you in the basement, but the rest of us are going out," Avery told him.

"Where?"

"IKEA"

"Why?"

"Because we need to buy some Christmas stuff!" Snape whined, "Come on! We can listen to Hilary Duff in the car!"

And with that, the death eaters left.


	2. Easy Bake Ovens Aren't Easy

"SPIDER!! OH MY GOODNESS IT'S HUGE!!!!!!!!"

"Shut up Lucius, it's just a spider," Snape muttered. The death eaters had been cleaning out the furnace room, and this had been the seventh spider in the last hour that Lucius had been screaming about.

"Where's Peter?"

"He's in that mouse hole over there."

"What for?"

"He said something about exchanging information with the rats," Snape sighed, "Personally I think he's lost his mind-"

"AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! NOOO!! SON OF A BTCH!!!!!!!!!!" Voldemort yelled from upstairs

"What's he doing up there?" Lucius asked

"DAMN YOU!!!! COME HERE YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE MOTHER"

"Do you think we should check on him?" asked Avery

"Might as well."

The group of death eaters went upstairs to find Voldemort with a shovel hitting an _Easy Bake Oven._

"My lord, what is wrong?" Avery asked

"This freakin' thing is supposed to be easy! But I can't get the cookies I made out of the damn oven! AND my spatula just melted 'cause I stuck it in too long!"

"Oh, there's a trick to it," Lucius said happily, "You have to push on this side while you pull it out over here."

_Silence._

"What?! My son got one for his sixteenth birthday last year, so I learned how to use it."

_Silence._

"Oh forget it!!"   



	3. Decisions, Decisions

"Snape, get out here I need your opinion on something," Voldemort shouted.

"You want my opinion? I'm not exactly the trendiest person if you know what I mean," Snape said as he looked down at his black ensemble.

"I know that," Voldemort hissed, "Although black is your color. But that's not the point. Which lights should I put on this shrub?"

"Come again?"

"I'm trying to decided which Christmas lights I should but on this dead shrub. So should it be the multi-colored ones or the white ones?"

"Well, the white ones are classic," Snape mumbled, "You can never go wrong with white lights."

"True."

"Although, it would add a little zest to the puny shrub if you put the multi-colored ones."

"Ahh, I see what you mean," Voldemort gave an evil smile, "I, Lord Voldemort, shall put on the multi-colored ones!"

"Okay, you do that," Snape muttered, "I'm going back inside to help Lucius with his hair dye. He tried that _Herbal Essences _stuff and his hair turned orange. Poor bastard."

"Well tell him if he gets any of that dye on the marble sink he has to clean it after…with JAVAX"

"Oh my lord! Not Javax!"

"Yes. So he better be extra careful"

"Alright. I'll tell him. Good luck with the lights," Snape said as he went inside

_3 hours later_

"There. All finished," Voldemort grinned "AHHHHH! MY LORD, YOUR DEAD SHRUB IS ON FIRE!" Peter yelled as he quickly stomped on the plant, breaking it along with all the bulbs.   



	4. A horrible surprise

"ATTENTION" Voldemort said clearing his throat, "I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE"

"Well make it already," Snape said, sounding rather bored, "_Gilmore Girls _just started and I rather not miss this episode."

"Okay," Voldemort said excitedly, "the big news is, WE ARE GOING CAROLING! DOESN'T THAT SOUND FUN?" A collective 'no' came from most of the death eaters, excluding Peter.

"I can't sing," Lucius sighed

"Oh, that's alright. You see we're going to be singing at an old age home, so they're all going to be deaf anyway," Voldemort smiled, "But if you don't feel comfortable singing, you can be the pretty boy with the tambourine if you like."

Lucius considered this for a moment, "All right. I'm in."

"Wonderful," Voldemort said, "oh and I forgot to mention that we're all going to be dressed up as reindeer and elves."

_BOOM_

"What was that?" Voldemort asked 

"Oh nothing," Lucius replied, "Snape just fainted, that's all."

"Right, well just leave him there," Voldemort continued, "Come on everyone, I'm going to need help making the costumes."

**The next chapter will be the death eaters caroling…lol don't forget to review! Thanks!**


	5. The Horror of Gelatin Meals

"We wish you a merry Christmas! We wish you a merry Christmas! We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!" the death eaters sang in unison

"Thank you," Voldemort said evilly, as though he was torturing people instead of singing to them. Well maybe his singing did count as torturing, but whatever. "The next song we are going to sing is _Frosty the Snowman_!"

"Frosty the Snowman---"

"Get off the stage!" an elderly man yelled, with his fist in the air, "It's bad enough this place tortures with the gelatin meals, but come on! Your voices are so bad, are you trying to kill us?!"

"Was a jolly happy soul," the death eaters continued, ignoring the man. Lucius did a sort of a can-can dance in the front, happily shaking his tambourine.

"MY MOTHER CAN SING BETTER THAN THAT!" an old woman yelled, "AND SHES DEAD"

"SHUT UP! YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE AS WELL IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT HOLE IN YOUR FACE!" Voldy yelled back angrily from the piano.

"With a corncob pipe and a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal," the group sang in an E flat, excluding Snape. He miserably sang with his arms crossed, angry at the fact that he had to dress up as a reindeer. Rudolph to be exact. And with his nose painted red, it drew even more attention to its size.

"BOO! YOU SUCK!" a group of bald men shouted, "GET A JOB!"

"Frosty the Snowman, is a fairy tale they say—"

"BOO!" an old British man said furiously (A/N I'm not trying to be racist, so plz don't take it in a bad way!)

"SHUT UP!" Voldy screamed at the man over the death eaters singing, Lucius shaking his tambourine, and the other 'boos' the carolers were receiving.

"THAT'S NOT NICE YOU OLD BEAN!" the man yelled back

"HAG"

"FRUITCAKE"

"Damn," Voldemort muttered, "I was going to say that one next."

"There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found—"

"HEY EVERYBODY OVER HERE," one of the bald men shouted, as he scooped up some Jello from the cafeteria in his hand and threw it on stage, hitting Peter in the face.

I don't think I need to write what happened next, for the thought of Jello usually makes me queasy. But lets just say that after Voldemort had been constantly hit in the face with the gelatin, he and the death eaters decided to 'pack it up and head home.' Or, in there case, head back to the bungalow.


	6. The Foolish Elf Man

**Hey everyone! Merry Chrismukkah (the OC)! Well, it's the day after Christmas, but I thought I would continue w/ the story since I have nothing better to do. Okay, in this chapter there is an appearance of Buddy the Elf (Will Ferrel, Elf the movie) so enjoy!**

"Next," Voldemort said dully. Since his death eater group needed money to pay for cable TV, he had found a job at the mall. Although, he was strongly considering to quit, because all he did was sit around the whole day and ask kids what they wanted for Christmas. There was nothing evil about dressing up as Santa and taking pictures with children.

"Hi Santa!" a little girl yelled as she hopped on Voldemort's lap. "Here's a list of what I want for Christmas. You have to bring me everything. Okay, first I want a _Polly Pocket, _then I also want the new _CareBears Movie, _and don't forget to bring me a _Ferby, _preferably in blue –"

_35 minutes later_

"And I also want _My Little Pony_ playset and –"

Voldemort couldn't take this anymore. "SHUT UP! NEXT!"

"HEY SANTA! IT'S ME, BUDDY!" screamed a man dressed up as an elf. "SANTA! HEY, SANTA WHY IS YOUR FACE SO PALE?"

"Beat it you lowlife," Voldy snarled

"Hey, that wasn't nice," Buddy exclaimed, "You're not Santa! YOU'RE A FAKE! SANTA WOULD _NEVER _SAY SOMETHING MEAN LIKE THAT! AND BESIDES YOU'RE SO UGLY AND SKINNY! SANTA IS SUPPOSED TO BE FAT AND JOLLY!"

"Get out of here you little f-"

But before Voldemort could finish saying what he was about to say, the elf man had already approached him and ripped off his fake beard.

"HE'S A FAKE! I KNEW IT! HE'S A FAKE! AHHH"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Voldy screamed

And that was the end of Buddy the Elf.


End file.
